Bring It Up a Bit, Writing Therapy

The Full Transcript of My First Stand Up Performance at Push Comedy Theater

On Tuesday August 9, 2016 I graduated from Push Comedy Theater‘s Stand Up 101. For our commencement exercises, we had to write and perform five minutes of stand up. Because I don’t follow directions well, I wrote eight minutes of comedy and I had a really good time doing it. It was great fun to make light of my strict extended family and this crazy neighbor I have who’s always saying weird stuff to me (he recently asked me if my neutered dog was now a homosexual).

On the daily now I hear these questions:

When did you want to become a comedian? Where did this come from, Marrissa?

My answer is simple enough: writing and humor are both of my passions. Stand up comedy puts the two together and you have no idea what validation feels like until a room of people guffaw at your witticisms. So basically I feel like Tracy does…

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In November 2015, I joined Genius.com, a site where members can sign up and immediately start annotating their favorite song lyrics and television scripts and even the Bible entire transcript of Beyonce’s Lemonade visual. And within a few weeks, this really cool moderator, known to the community as “ewok”, promoted me from feeble Whitehat to powerful Editor of Genius.com (I’m one of many editors, but it sounds much cooler when I capitalize the E).

And because I’m a part of this wonderful community of writers who envision a world wide web where people can learn what’s important or cool or funny or wack about every website there is, I’m posting my stand up transcript.

That’s right: I want to give the Genius annotaters a head start before I blow up too much. So here’s the video again of my first time on stage, if you missed it:

 

And the full transcript is below. Enjoy taters and friends:

Hey, give it up for your MC, Hatton, let him hear it! Yeah!

That’s great, now let’s talk about me. My family is super religious. Anyone else come from a religious family?

Yeah? You do. Fellow zealots? Welcome.

Let’s take Christmas, for example. A holiday, right? A day off for some people. A celebration for others. It’s 5 AM, the house is packed with people, kids are skipping about, there’s presents under the tree, Christmas music is playing, “Shigga-hand, shigga-hand.” And then, it’s inevitable. There’s gonna be that one person that says, “Okay, let’s start the prayer circle everyone!” (sighs) Oh God. “What did you say?” “Oh God, thank you for this day…”

And don’t let “outsiders” come over. That’s a thing in my family, called “outsiders”. They won’t even bother to learn their names. “So Marrissa, is this your little friend?” “No, aunt ‘Nay, this is my husband, Danny, of 7 years. He comes here every Christmas?” Doesn’t matter. Outsiders are always little friends.

My family’s religious to the point that Scientologists are taking notes on us. John Travolta’s asking about my next family function like, “Tell me more, tell me more! Do you walk in the light?/Tell me more, tell me more! Are your aliens white?”

Like even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come to my grandma’s house. They’re standing in the street like, “Billy! Connor! Russell! Huddle up. All right, everybody, our quota for souls today is 60 people. Fix your tie, Billy, Jiminy Cricket! You look like Jiminy Cricket! And whatever you do today, promise me you won’t even go near the Patterson house! Connor, I don’t care if we miss quota, okay? The Watch Tower will get over it! Last week, she almost converted you!” Connor’s in the huddle like, “Oh happy day! Oh happy day!” And that’s a joke about the most popular gospel song ever written!

Even if we tried to play perfectly wholesome games, like Monopoly. And when you ask somebody, why not, we’d get shut down. My uncle Ted would say, “Jesus didn’t play with dice, baby, so neither do we.”

My family was so serious about religion, not only were we forbidden to swear, we couldn’t even say the word “swear”, it was that serious. Like we would always have to substitute it with “promise”. One time, we were sneaking in a game of Monopoly in my grandma’s front room and I kept landing on my cousin’s property. I said to my cousin, “Day-day, doggone it! If you charge me one more time, I’m about to go bankrupt! And you know Jesus says we’re not supposed to borrow! Ugh, I promise.” It just doesn’t have the same effect, at all!

My uncle Ted, especially, was good for a lecture. One time, I’m at the house and I accidentally said “Shit!” My uncle Ted starts in immediately with, “Now baby, Jesus wouldn’t want you promisin’ like that? You know better!” And I’m like, “Okay, uncle, but can you get out of the bathroom now? I have to stand up to flush it.”

So my dog, Roscoe, he has to poop, too. (pause) And that was called a transition. I didn’t say it was a very good one. Like the other day, I’m walking Roscoe and he’s doing his business, as expected. And so this guy who lives in the neighborhood, who I’m 100% sure is a drug dealer, is walking on the other side of the street. And I don’t want to talk to people. So I get real busy taking out the poopie bag (make plastic bag sound effects). But this doesn’t deter my local dope peddler and he comes across the street towards us like, “Hey! Why are you picking that up? You can just leave it on the ground, it’s all natural!” And I should preface here that this is a walking side effect billboard that we’re talking about here for the anti-drug campaign. Like the Crypt Keeper got out of his coffin. And when he gets to us, he says, “That’s organic, baby!” Like, he roots for the “Oakland Organics” or something…and they just scored a touchdown, yeah.

And so now that he’s gotten closer to me, I realize he’s here, not for chat, but to give me his sales pitch. He says, “Ayo, sis! I got some excellent dope for you to try. It’ that ‘Pressure’, just for you!” And I’ve already confirmed within myself that I will never be purchasing any drugs from this man. Like sir, the amount of flesh on your bones signifies that your drugs equal death. I want no parts. And so I play dumb, I’m like, “Pressure? I don’t need any pressure right now, man, I just got these new tires, so I’m cool.” And so he switches it up like, “Aye, sis, I got that fire, for real! Come holla at me.” And I say, “Fire? But fire and pressure make an explosion, sir. I want none of that!” Now he starts to get mad and he’s turning into Nino Brown. He’s like, “Aye, I’ve got a eighth for a dub, you down or what?” And I don’t really know anything about prices or amounts or anything, so I’m like, “Well…I’ve only got five dollars man,” and Nino shouts, “Sit your five dollar ass down before I make change!” And I start to panic like, “Holy shit, Nino, I swear I’ll buy your drugs!” And he’s like, “No need to swear!” and I’m like, “Holy shit, okay, I promise I’ll buy your drugs!”

It’s not over. In that moment, Roscoe, who’s been all pent up with anxiety over the exchange, just drops a terd nugget right on his shoe. And we’re just both shocked. It happened so quick. But now I have my out. I’m like, “Oh no! Roscoe’s not feeling good. We’re just gonna go home.” And as I run away, the guy’s behind me like, “Hey! You’re just gonna leave this here?” And I turn around to yell back, “That’s organic, baby!” and then I hightail it home.

Hey that’s my time, I’m Marrissa!

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Uncategorized

In loving memory of Linda Allene Watson Norman

My grandma was a heroine. In 2008, when I worked for the White House, she was so very proud of me. But she was also very sick, breast, bone and blood cancer having wracked her body. I was determined, to get my grandmother a tour of the West Wing. I had the passes, the day was set, we were outside of the West Wing, looking around for parking. We finally find a parking space. And if you know anything about DC parking, you know that it’s no easy feat. As soon as my grandfather turns the car off, my grandmother realizes that she has left her identification in the hotel room.

My grandfather, grandmother and mother all have simultaneous meltdowns and the minivan was filled with devastation. But this was probably my proudest moment, because I came to the rescue! Hailing a cab Sarah Jessica Parker style I hauled ass to their hotel on Massachusetts Avenue, thundered down the halls and got into the room, grabbed the ID and sprinted back to the West Wing entrance within 18 minutes. I had saved the day and we spent the next hour wandering through the West Wing, visiting the Oval Office, standing at the National Press Secretary’s podium, reminiscing on generations past who would’ve never been able to see or do such things. I wanted that moment to be so terribly special for my family and it was.

A year later, my grandmother passed away. She didn’t get to see me cross the stage with my Bachelor’s Degree, but I know she was there. You see, it rained the moment I crossed the stage and anyone who knows Linda knows she was a weepy one.

***Please donate what you can so we can save others from breast cancer:*** http://www.gofundme.com/44wcno

SHARE THE LINK AND DONATE!!!

Grandma

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Coaching

Relationship Coaching: Relationships are not for the faint of heart

Here’s the thing about being in a relationship. God brought you two together in the hopes that you’ll either:

Learn something from each other (Reason)
Spend a period of time sowing or harvesting together (Season)
Be together until death do you part (Lifetime)

A relationship can fall into one of these three categories. Most people are out here looking for number 3. But you have to remember — not every relationship is for a lifetime! Statistically and logically speaking, it’s impossible.

As a result, you should embrace those relationships that fall into categories 1 and 2. You won’t be able to fully appreciate a lifetime with someone unless you’ve learned the reasons for love or endured a season of growth with someone.

Interested in more relationship coaching? Contact me!

relationship advice

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Coaching, Inspiration, Writing Therapy

Weight Loss and Wellness Coaching: Finding your inner strength to lose weight

Hi Friends,

Obesity continues to provide the CDC with alarming statistics for the death rates of Americans. I’ve encountered many people who believe the big fat fatties of the world would lose weight if they just try to lose the weight. Those people should recognize, however, that most often obesity and living for a prolonged time being overweight is actually a symptom, NOT a cause.

Perhaps it was the death of a close family member or friend that causes you to eat more, or the consuming doom of depression that keeps you from the gym or even a past guilt, pain, anger, circumstance, grief, etc. predilects your self-destructive nature. You’ve probably tried to lose weight, but it hasn’t happened consistently and every time you “fail” (whether perceived or legitimate), you choose to withdraw and the guilt of being overweight is washed over you all over again.

Once we understand that obesity and the state of being overweight is a symptom and NOT a cause, we understand that we must root out what is the cause and subsequently remove the cause from the equation, using a vast array of tools, including but not limited too much praying and buckets o’ tears.

Personal story time:

For me, the cause for my 15-18 years of being overweight was a feeling of being un-whole. And those holes were so empty. Somerimes, to be safe, I would hide there in the roots of my depression. To hide the holes from myself, when I needed to appear okaybon the surface, created a lust and zeal for food. I began to fill those holes with food, which for me was every bit comforting.

But I did this strange thing. All the eating, coupled with a complete lethargy and vice for sloth, the pounds just kept coming. And major life setbacj or victory could be sure to correlate positively with my size. So I hid under clothes, and behind my Jansport backpack, and behind the jokes, because I still felt too exposed. I was lying directly to everyone about who I was, and no one could see me for who I really was. I resented people for believing that lie and I’m sorry for that. God told me I needed to remember to love his people. So thank you to the world, who saved me. My mom, my grandpa, my Dad, my grandmother, a host of aunts, uncles, cousins by the dozens, grands, great grands, and all that who got down on their knees to pray for me. set s whole new meaning to comfort food.

My Breakthrough:
My breakthrough came when I realized I had log ago believed a lie someine told me. The truth is in the light. But in those shadows, those lies run rampant. And what with my insecurities, I often picked up the lies. Some I discarded almost immediately because I was able to easily discern them. But in a weak moment, I picked up a lie or two that stayed with me. For years, I lived under the misguided belief that one’s beauty is defined by what you see. But why would God give us four other senses and innumerable other gifts and talents if we only needed sight to see the beauty of others?

Once I changed my thinking (or shifted my paradigm for the Stephen Covey fans) I beame overwhelmed by the truth. Heaking is defined as the revelation of truth. And surely, my soul was healed. Surely (church hum). The truth was this: beauty is NOT defined by what’s on the outside (DUH)! But true beauty is measured by the love in one’s character and the beauty of their downright soul. With this epiphany, I came to the conclusion that I WAS, in fact, an extremely beautiful person and worthy and whole and AWESOME.

From there, all I needed to do was push my physical body to start reflecting the beauty within me. I deserved it, after all. I am now a self-proclaimed gym rat and healthy eating is now a part of my lifestyle! How exciting for me! And right now, I don’t care who knows it. You shouldn’t either!

Real Talk

Come on — how many times have you met a person (maybe family member, friend, boo thang) who, by society’s standards, would be considered hideous. But when they open their mouths or you make a connection with them, quite suddenly they become the most beautiful person you know.

Once the inner strength begins to shine (and you stop with the moping and the anxiety) your body has no choice but to step its game up and bring your sexy back.

Action Items:

  • Go get sweaty. Live an active lifestyle — doesn’t really matter what you’re doing (gym, rock climbing, walking around the neighborhood). As long as your heart rate is up, you are on your way to wellness
  • Repeat positive  affirmations to yourself while you’re getting your sweat on. I mean not one single negative thought about yourself. Push yourself here.*
  • Forgive yourself when you make a negative remark about yourself. Promise me that you will not crush yourself under the weight of your own guilt!
  • Once your body feels like it’s inner spirit has it’s back, I guarantee you’ll start sweating harder, your heart will beat faster and you’ll get closer and closer to having an outer body that reflects your inner light, strength and beauty.
  • Don’t cheat.
  • Work hard.
  • Stay the course.
  • Be strong.

Tweet, Facebook or comment and let me know how it goes!

 

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Freeverse, God is real., Inspiration

The 11 Things You Need to Know (At Any Age)

This will eventually be a coffee table book. The following will describe the world at it’s most raw level. Every moment of your life should lead up to you learning the following 12 things. If you haven’t figured them out, you will:

  1. You are awesome. Nobody gives an eff about a keloid scar. People out here are trying to pay the rent. The fact you can pay the rent, speaks VOLUMES over some stupid scare.
  2. There IS a Higher Power above you. Whatever your believe, whatever name you speak: Jehaovah, Jah, Love, Gatekeeper, Creator, Allah, etc. As long as YOU know that something is guiding you, protecting your life and providing for you, you’re lightyears ahead of the rest. Now that being said, there is no man in the sky waiting to judge you upon your death. Read here for more.
  3. The universe is a living breathing thing. Everything you put into it will manifest itself before you. This includes:
    • negative thoughts
    • positive thoughts
    • guilts
    • regrets
    • joys
    • a future house
    • a lovely family

    In other words, your mouth and the words that come from it, are quite powerful. As soon as you release them into the atmosphere, the universe is required to make it come to pass. It has NO choice!

  4. Love is something you need. Without it, you age prematurely, you get bitchy, you get too macho and you’re just not a good person to be a round. You’re like Karen or Felicia. You just suck. With love, you too can get that lovely, gross feeling of pure intimacy and the connection with another person.
  5. You’ve already learned or your already innately have everything that you need to be successful in life. Think of all of your many talents. The Higher Power previously mentioned would NOT give you those gifts and not also provide you with the tools to be able to use your talents for Him (or Her) and (Their) divine purpose. Isn’t that comforting? Everything you need, you already have! It’s a truth that you’ve just forgotten. Now that you’re reading this, be sure that you remember that truth.
  6. Someday is today. Don’t miss the opportunity. Even if it means late nights, early mornings, no sleep on the weekends; you should know…
  7. Sacrifice is the ambrosia to the success gods. You have GOT to give a little to get a little. And anyone who thinks that they can cut corners in life and still be successful, positive, loving role models, then you should know that there are…
  8. Zero shortcuts in this thing called life. As soon as you try to cheat someone, even if you are successful once you’ve cheated, your small win has caused a shift in the universe. And because the shift occurred, the universe must realign itself. As soon as you’ve wronged someone, someone else is righted, and so on and so forth.
  9. Your f*** up is someone else’s win. Get over it. You’re gonna get the W and someone else is going home with no drawers on. It is what it is– the more you get caught up in the hype or the more anxiety it causes you, that’s only going to cause you to doubt yourself. And why do that?
  10. Ain’t ish fun about guilt, hurt, shame or sorrow. If you don’t want to put yourself down, you don’t have to. You’re better than that. You are a child of the most High, so you are STRONGER than that. If your life’s goal is happiness, DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE UNHAPPY!. As soon as a negative thought comes your way, repeat the following to yourself as many times as it takes for you to believe it: Hey! Go away! Guilt has no place here. I have no room for you here. My heart’s too full of love and joy to have any time for you. I don’t need. you. You don’t need guilt. Without you, guilt would not exist, so why hang on to it?
    How much more effort does it take to believe lesson number 1 (see above)? You ARE awesome. Now, it’s up to you to believe you are awesome. I believe that somewhere right now someone’s noggin is changing in the right direction. As soon as they see the light, they now have a simple decision (note that I said “simple” and NOT “easy”) to make: 1) do I continue to be miserable OR 2) do I decide to be happy? As soon as you recognize that it’s a simple choice, and you’ve realized that you’ve come to the same crossroad often, that’s when you’ll realize you NEED to make choice number 2. Why would you want to be miserable? And I hear what you’re saying —
  11. People don’t want to be sad or anxious or lonely or depressed or whatever the ailment. But you just freaking are sometimes. And I know, I get it — I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2007. I know first-hand what a stronghold your illness or setback or disability can have on your mind. Whatever you are suffering from. But I believe I’ve found the cure: once you have a negative thought, immediately swat it away. And the next time you have a negative thought, on instinct, your brain will swat it away yet again. Visualize this in your mind’s eye. Once you do, you’ll recognize that…
  12. You must learn to visualize your desire. Channel it, write it down, record yourself saying it, dream about it and as soon as the universe captures your needs, your dream, hopes and aspirations, the universe will fulfill it. It has NO CHOICE! Again, it’s a living, breathing thing — all requests that you bring forth to the world, to the universe? They will most certainly come to pass.

Here’s your action item:

Go forth and visualize the things that you want. Maybe it’s a dream board –I’m working on my second one right now. Whatever it is you desire, put it out in the universe and I guarantee the universe will shift itself to accommodate it. It has to. It has an inferiority complex just like we do and must adjust to the will and desires of those around it. But it’s cool — the universe is cool.

Facebook, Tweet, or comment to let me know what the universe brings to you!

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Inspiration, Poetry

Elation

Elation

When you serve up love’s tall order.

Sensations

When we approach the cosmic border.

How many lives do you care to live with me?

We come, we see, we conquer,

Co-sign my darling valentine,

Because we’re destined to push love’s limit by 2 or 3.

On love’s aromatic ambrosia we will dine.

Cuz this love’s divine.

Cuz our love’s so fine.

Our circle of love knows one curl.

This love puts me on nine.

And this love’s all mine.

Just as smoke belongs to the unfurl.

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