God is real.

I’ve never fancied myself a follower of Christ.

For the past 24 years, I’ve been to many many many churches. Presbyterians, COGIC, AME, and most certainly Baptist. I was baptized in a Baptist church, I’ve let go of all of my family that have left this earth in a Baptist church, been in and attended countless weddings in Baptist churches.

But I’ve never fancied myself a follower of Christ. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God. But Jesus — I’ve just never been so sure. I mean, I don’t get it. A bunch of men sat in a room and combined the Old and New Testaments and called it our gospel. At the same time, they were taking countless stories of other people and massaging them gently together while telling the “story” of the life of Jesus.

I’ve never said anything about this to anyone besides my mom and grandpa. Mostly for fear of being called a heretic, or worse, an atheist (my apologies to the atheists if that sounded offensive). But as God gives me favor and keeps adding days to my life, I can’t help but to share my thoughts in the hopes that someone else is thinking the same thing.

And I’ve always said “In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen” at the end of my prayers. But I say it mostly out of habit, and even then, I’m a strong believer in whatever you call God, He’s still GOD. Ya know? Like, I’m down with people that call him Allah, or Jah, or Jehovah, or Love, and even those that call Him ‘She’. Whatever. Don’t care what name He has, but it weirds me when people consider God to ONLY be the man that rose on the 3rd day. What about his pops? The man that presumably gave the world His only begotten son? Wasn’t he God too?

This is no shade to you or you or you. Just doesn’t make sense to me.

And why is the Old Testament in there, anyway? Just to scare the YEEZUS out of us? Then sing SEVERAL happy songs with David? And close out with Malachai and them, just for giggles? This was an aside, but a serious one.

Furthermore, I consider myself an infinitely more spiritual person than a religious one. For a lot of people, I’m not sure if they believe there is a difference. And I get it– when a person takes a religion and makes their life about it, because they’ve been told its what gets them to Heaven, it can be VERY difficult if not impossible to begin to question it. I get it. But I believe that God gave us a mind to question and not to believe everything we’ve been told.

Feel free to share this. I’d be interested to hear a unique opinion.

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Bring It Up a Bit

This Edward Snowden thing is so interesting to me.

I’m thinking about writing a witty expose of Eric Snowden’s international escape route and everything that’s happening to him right now. In a short story kinda format.

Would you read it? Is there one?

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Bring It Up a Bit

Things i learned about myself recently.

  1. I’m hyper sensitive
  2. I’m way too school for cool
  3. A lot of people love me
  4. I’m making it way too difficult 0n myself, as if happiness is such a hard choice to make
  5. Happiness is a hard choice to make
  6. I accidentally typed “Nappiness is a hard choice to make” just now. And I liked that even my mistakes are awesome.
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My Dark Place

Celebrating 24 years of life.

With every birthday, with the exception of Jehovah’s Witnesses, comes the celebration of your life. My birthday this past Thursday (June 20th!) was no different. I went to bed Wednesday night and woke up Thursday morning with equivalent excitement. From the moment I opened my eyes, I had an uncontainable air of downright glee. My boyfriend said that he had 3 surprises for me from the hours of 9 – 12, I had an appointment at the hair salon for noon and I was planning a road trip for my family reunion. Everything was going oh so right! Until…I made the decision to be unhappy.

Things started going wrong when:

  • My bf got called in to work, and we couldn’t celebrate all weekend together the way we’d envisioned we could.
  • I didn’t get to see my mom.
  • I calculated just how dead freaking broke I am with $12K in credit card debt and counting. Why was I going on vacation again?
  • I was feeling like a failure when I realized my Kickstarter campaign wasn’t going to achieve the goal.

The thing about depression is, even the most trivial of thoughts for some (what I like to call the “neutral minds”) are augmented to the 20th level for depressed people. Quite literally, one bad thought can escalate to 10 in a matter of miniscule moments. And then there you are in your dark place and feeling lost. Wondering how the hell a perfectly capable person like yourself could completely lose it to a series of unfortunate and evil thoughts?

But it happened. On this weekend, of all weekends! Then, in my celebration angst, I decided to engage in the spirits! Not the smartest move. Alcohol, in any amount, can only exacerbate the problem. I was growing more and more melancholy. When my bf finally arrived after 2 days of drinking and binge eating, I was a weeping willow of sadness and despair. During every minute of the first 10 hours we were reunited, I was constantly hovering between a face full of tears or those inconsolable post-tear wimpers.

I was fucked up.

It only got worse once my bf joined my family and myself. At this point I was in a really painful position. I wanted all the quality boo time in the world, but also wanted to spend time with my family. After only a few hours of trying to make everyone happy, my already ticked off brain went ape shit and I had one of my worst melt downs. Ever. It was not cute. I was snappy and just wanted to sleep and withdraw from the prying eyes of people that don’t understand depression. Instead, I compromised with everyone and kept drinking. And overeating. Not my finest moments.

Is this what every birthday is going to be like? In an effort to feel more like a grown up and more mature, I have a meltdown? I think I need to stop seeing my life as a race. With the threat of each additional year of life, I feel like I’m behind and like I need to catch up. This past weekend was sad for me because I realized that I was trying to please everyone else, but  while doing so, I let go of each intention to please myself.

To my family it probably seemed that either my bf was physically abusing me or that I was bat-shit-crazy. I assure you, neither is true. I’m just at that struggle point where we all find ourselves eventually:

If the goal is happiness, why am I not happy? If happiness is a choice, why do I allow myself to choose everything but happiness? And if I eventually do find the strength and courage to make the choice to be happy, will I truly be happy? Is it really that simple??

For about 30 minutes on Saturday, I had a really deep chat with my grandfather and boyfriend on the subject. Both men, very wise beyond their years — yes, my 72 year young g-pa was probably one of the wise men in a different life– were both very encouraging. But my depressed mind couldn’t see that. And even after our conversation, I just wanted to keep living in my despair.

Fast forward to tonight — 3ish days after my birthday, and wtf did I really do for myself in celebration of my 24th? Absolutely nothing.

And that’s just fucking sad.

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June 20, 1989

Uncategorized

BIRFDAE, IT’S MY BIRFDAE *2CHAINZ VOICE*

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Freeverse

Our Love

I know you’re the one. Aren’t you appalled?
Why are you always so cool? Like you were already involved.
You cuddle me so hard. Your scent the scent of man meat.
You tickle me too hard. Your long fingers a quick release.

I feel the world spins when I’m with you. Aren’t you enthralled?
Why are you so true? Like this isn’t a Paul.
We drag and drop away to bliss.
Oh what freshness is this.

The vibe is set and you’re the truth. My eyes are set, we’re good.
We babble on and on an on, like the inability to end a poem.
We drag and drop until we dismiss.
Oh, what spottieottieidopaliciousness is this?

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